Autophagia
by XxMiseryxIsxMyxMasterxX
Summary: AkuRoku-Axel left;I started having issues.Enough to land me in the mental ward of a hospital, and award me the fear of most everyone.Not that I mind, who needs friends when you're crazy? The doctors think differently, so I'm stuck with this redheaded ass
1. Breakdown

Autophagia

Roxas was many things. He was cute, he was charming, he was funny, he was smart. He was fast, he was kind, he was observant, he was helpful. He was gay, he was blunt, he was depressed, he was clumsy, he was shy, he was quiet. He was also _sick_.

He had Schizophrenia, AvPD, Conversion Disorder, Depressive Disorder, Nightmare Disorder, Sadism, Masochism, and OCD.

He also had Autophagia.

He wasn't in therapy, he wasn't in medical care, he wasn't on pills, though he did take random ones that he found in little bottles scattered throughout the house. He acted normal, he hid his mood swings well, acted sunshiny and happy, acted like he was perfectly fine. But inside, his emotions were going wild, day after day; it was a constant battle to keep control. His doctors knew about him, about his problem, but never said a word about it to his parents. Mostly because they didn't believe it. How could a boy so happy, so carefree, have mental problems such as these? They didn't know everything of course, just some of his problems. The rest, Roxas just knew he had, from all the research online he had done.

His friends had asked before about the bite marks on his skin, but he had laughed, saying his cat liked to bite him. Sora, his twin, had found this odd as their cat loved everyone, especially Roxas, but never said anything about his brother's words.

Sora was the first to see his brother breakdown.

--

[**Roxas- First Person**]

How could they laugh with me, talk to me so easily? I was so unimportant, just a waste of space… I didn't relate to them at all, I was just an empty shell of lies and hatred… Of fear, and anger…

"DAMMIT ALL!" I screamed, no one was home anyway, as I threw my clock across the room. I'd make an excuse for how it broke later. I just grabbed some random objects, throwing them across the room. My eyes widened as a frame broke, glass shattering. I ran over to the picture, tripping over broken objects as I crossed the room. I grabbed the photograph, holding it tightly to my chest.

"Axel…" I whispered, "I'm so sorry, I wasn't good enough…" I missed him so much; it hurt to think of who he was spending his nights with now, who was making him smile and laugh… It wasn't me, I never actually made him happy, he was just making me think I was, trying to make _me_ happy I guess.

But he got tired of it, he left me alone. Then everything crashed, I broke down, the nightmares just kept coming, the pain wouldn't stop, nothing made sense anymore…

I gave him my heart

He smashed it

"Axel… Axel…" I murmured his name, the sounds rolling off my tongue with ease, tasting sweet, addicting even. "Axel…" I looked down at the picture, of me and him. At the man who broke me, who turned my into someone who no longer had his sanity. "You deceived me… You lied to me…" Tears filled my ugly blue eyes, hands shaking. "You… Bastard!" I tore the photo into a million pieces, knocking the shattered remains of the frame that had held it away from me, managing to nicely cut into a few areas of my palm.

Blood was soon flowing from my wrists as sharp white dug into them, tearing into the pale flesh over and over, warm, clear liquid mixing with tainted crimson, spilling over a pale canvas, a broken canvas…

"ROXAS!" I immediately stopped biting into my wrist, snapping my head up to look at my twin, who stood at my doorway, tears spilling from his sapphire blue eyes as he stared at me. Numb shot through my body, I couldn't feel anything. Not even the sweet pain that came from ripping my flesh open. I became dizzy, and I could hear my brother's voice saying… Something, as everything faded to black, and my consciousness slipped away…

--

I could hear a steady beeping coming from somewhere. My first thought was my alarm clock, but no I smashed that a moment ago. Or… Had it been a moment ago? I couldn't remember, mostly because at that point a sharp pain shot through my head, pushing away any though other than 'pain'. I enjoyed pain, other's pain and my pain. Honestly, I could be sadistically raped by some psycho on the way home from school, and when he was done, give him a fifty dollar tip, and a 'thanks for the fun'. Though that would never happen, who would waste their time with me?

The pain in my head was quite welcome, but the voices around me were not. They sounded too familiar, to close. My eyelids snapped open as I jumped up into a sitting position, throwing a punch at the person nearest to me. Or at least, I tried to. But unfortunately, I found my wrists were strapped down, along with my legs and waist.

"What the hell-?!"

"Roxas, please, don't…" I looked up at a pair of sad ocean eyes, fear showing somewhere in the depths of the hurt that filled them. "Sora…" I said his name slowly, as if speaking for the first time, unsure of the sounds, the way my lips were suppose to move. "Sora," I repeated, more clearly, "where am I?" He looked unsure, almost scared, of answering my question. I wondered why; then I remembered him, watching me, screaming my name… He had seen my breakdown, I remember now. "Just tell me, I won't be mad or try to hurt you." He stared at me for a second, before taking a deep breath. "You're at the hospital. Right now, you're in the suicide ward, but you're to be moved to the 'Mental Restoration'-" "Crazy house." I corrected and he sighed, "No, it's not a house, it's a floor. And you're not crazy. Just… Um…" "Crazy." I finished, raising an eyebrow. He simply shook his head, but I knew he was agreeing with me, somewhere in his pure, innocent little mind. "Anyway, you're being moved there in a few hours…" He bit his lip, as if wanting to continue, bit knowing he shouldn't. "Tell me." He looked at the floor, before saying one simple sentence that was enough to make me want to rip apart everything and everyone in this room, including myself and whoever the hell was on the other side of the curtain next to me.

"Your caretaker is going to be Axel Flurry."

----

**A/N- Yes, I should be updating my other stories, but I just REALLY wanna write this!!! Hahaha Mental!Roxasx****!Axel there are * because you don't know what Axel is like yet. Other than he's a caretaker. And works at the hospital. Oh, and any questions about the fifty million illnesses that Roxas' has, just ask, I'll be more than happy to explain what they are. But this is in fact, rated M for a REASON, Tha reason being-**

**Blood, Gore, Self-Inflicted Harm, Possible Rape (haven't decided yet), Sex, Drug Abuse, Cussing, Suicide/Suicide Attempts, Murder Attempts, Death, Trauma, Etc... Can't handle Angst/Depressing things? Then I suggest you go read some happy story about elves and fairies, because this is blood and drama, with a doses of explicit Yaoi.**

**But for those of you who can in fact, handle stories filled with pain and suffering (and LOOOOOVE~!), please enjoy! Comments, Critiques, Suggestions, Encouragement, etc. Are all welcomed! Please TRY to refrain from flaming, as it crushes my poor little heart.  
**


	2. Ruining My Life One Step At A Time

I don't remember falling asleep, not at all. I never closed my eyelids, smiling as I drifted off into a blissful sleep with only the sweetest dreams whilst my brother watches over me. I do however, remember screaming like a crazy axe murderer was after me while nurses and doctors rushed in with a shot filled to the brim with sedative; my brother looking scared out of his mind. I don't actually _remember_ passing out, but the feeling of the needle piercing my arm was enough to know it happened. That, and I woke up in a completely different room with no recollection of how i got here. No one was in the room, and I was still strapped down.

"Today sucks."

"Oh, so you're finally awake?" Ok, so maybe I hadn't looked hard enough because someone was in my room. Or i looked super hard and the guy was just an idiot. I saw feet underneath bed from the corner of my eye. Yea, the guy was just an idiot. He did sound somewhat familiar. But then again, everyone sounds alike to some extent.

"Why the _hell_ are you under the bed?" No answer. "...Are you deaf or something?" "Oh sorry, I shrugged. Though i guess you couldn't see it." "Dumbass." "Yea well... ...Uh... Shit, I'm not allowed to say anything bad to you. The nurses said so."

Yes but are the nurses here?

"Sucks to be you." I muttered, directing my gaze to the multicolored ceiling above me. I thought these places were suppose to be white; had some idiot gone crazy with a paintbrush?

"Why is the ceiling so many colors?" I asked, mostly to myself. A soft chuckle sounded in my ear, causing me to jump as hot breath hit the side of my face. "Dunno. Maybe some idiot went crazy with a paintbrush." I froze. "That's what you were thinking, right Roxy?"

There were so many things I wanted to do at that moment. I wanted to cry, though what kind of tears they would be I wasn't sure; I wanted to punch his damn obnoxious face in, I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to beat the living hell out of him; show him what kind of pain he's caused me. But I did none of these things, mostly because the leather straps wouldn't let me, and instead opted to turn my head away from his mockingly happy green eyes. I couldn't bring myself to say anything to him; I wasn't good enough to talk to Axel. I was just some stupid, sad, deranged little kid. And I mean 'little' literally; I'm only 5'3 1/2".

And seventeen years old.

"Roxyyy~? Something wrong~?" Axel's warm breath raised goose bumps on the back of my neck, which is odd. I thought that only happened from the cold? Or fear, but I don't really remember the last time I was really 'scared'.

I didn't say anything, what was the point? He never listened, not to me anyway. Sure, Axel acted like he cared, like he thought what I had to say was important, but he was really just wondering why he wasted his time on me. In fact, he was probably wondering how the hell he got stuck taking care of me.

Why should he have to look after the toy he destroyed?

"Come on Rox, don't tell me you're mad at me. We haven't seen each other in FOREVER and you ignore me? I'm hurt." "You're a low-life, cock-sucking, self-absorbed bastard who isn't worth the time of day. You fucking happy now?" There was a shocked silence, probably because I had never called Axel anything bad (Unless you count idiot, moron, and dumbass) until now. Maybe he sees just how screwed up I really am. Even if he did, he wouldn't care, but maybe he wants to marvel at his work.

He laughed. He laughed at how screwed up he's made me, at how broken I am. I wanted to slap him, but sadly I was still strapped down.

Damn hospitals.

"Nice one. Guess you really aren't the Roxas I remember." I glared at him. "It's your own damn fault, for being such a lying bastard!" Stop talking Roxas, your words aren't worth anything. Not to Axel, not to anyone. "I didn't even do anything Roxas. But hey, you're mental. Guess you imagine things to make up for it." Axel started undoing the straps binding me to my bed. I simply stared at him.

He didn't _do_ anything? Is he fucking **kidding** me? He ripped my heart out and tore it to shreds, laughing in my face while he broke my into pieces, and he did _nothing_?! He's the reason I'm even in this fucking place! I was completely normal until he came along!

I gave him my heart and soul, he gave me lies and abuse.

But I still loved him.

But he still didn't care.

Once the straps were off, I sat up and stared at the wall. I didn't really care about the wall; I just wanted to sit up and had nothing better to look at. Axel said something to me, but I wasn't listening. And even if I was, I wasn't going to answer him. I was currently fighting several impulses, all of which involved pain.

First off, I wanted to bite my wrists again. Having Axel this close, and having my feelings for him increase ten-fold, I was really struggling not to breakdown here. I didn't want to scare Axel, though I bet he'd be laughing, hoping I'd die. At least then he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore.

Second, I was about to start crying. Hysterically. Everything right now was too overwhelming. Too many memories were coming back, the ones I had hidden away in the back of my mind, and ones that were recent and I'd just forgotten. The memory of Axel ending it with me came back as well. I really hated that memory.

Third, beating the hell out of the pyro beside me seemed all too appealing. How _dare_ he say that he didn't do anything! It's all his damn fault! Well, maybe some of it was Marluxia's, but most of it was Axel's. Freakin' man whore.

Calling Axel names only made me mad at myself, seeing as I also wanted to shoot myself for saying so many bad things about him. He wasn't that bad... Ok, he _was_, but I couldn't find it in me to really hate him right now, though I should.

Fuck.

"Roxas, are listening to me?" I looked at Axel apathetically and he sighed, clearly annoyed. "I asked if you wanted me to get you something to eat." I blinked a few times, staring at him, before answering, "If I can't leave my room and get it myself, then I'll happily starve. Besides, you'd probably put poison in it or something..." A frown formed on Axel's face, his eyebrow twitched once in annoyance. "You really distrust me that much?" I didn't want to talk to him anymore; it made me feel weird. But I kept talking, though it only made me want to cry more. "Yes, I really do."

"I'm not going to poison it." "Then you'll do something worse." "Like what?" "Hell if I know." "Why would I do that in the first place?" "Because you hate me." Please let the conversation end. I was finding it hard not to give in to options one and two.

Axel stopped talking, which ended our conversation. Hallelujah. But it did somewhat worry me that there was no emotion in his eyes, they actually seemed dull and lifeless, which is odd. Axel was never brought down. But then again, times change. I hadn't seen Axel in quite some time; maybe he changed.

My stomach growled; I was really hungry. Axel didn't look at me as he got up and walked out of the room, his expression completely void of emotion. I was going to ask where he was going, but I couldn't bring myself to. I really hate conversation.

When Axel left the room, the urge to bite my wrists died down a bit, though in my opinion, that wasn't exactly a good thing. Yes, it meant I was less like to devour the flesh from my arms, but I didn't mind doing that. It didn't hurt, and it would be rewarding if I died at some point from the blood loss. That hadn't happened yet, obviously, but that's only because I do somewhat worry about what mental state my brother would be in if he walked in my room and found me dead on the floor; wrists torn apart. As for my parents, they don't really care about me. They'd probably throw a party if I died.

They never wanted me, I wasn't suppose to happen. When they found out they were having twins, mom had a fit. She wanted an abortion, but dad wouldn't let her. So when she had me and Sora, she decided that Sora, who was older than me by ten minutes, was the perfect child.

I was the mistake.

I took all the words with a smile as I grew up, not seeing that they really did hate me. I eventually figured it out; I was heartbroken. I was thirteen.

That was the year I met Axel. He made me feel needed, like I was actually worth something. He made me so happy...

"Roxas, what are you thinking?" I snapped back to reality, blinking a bit when I realized my wrist had somehow gotten pressed against my lips. I quickly moved my arm away and stared at the floor, avoiding eye contact with Axel. A tray with food on it was placed on my lap; I simply stared at it. "You going to eat?" I shrugged. I was hungry but god only knows what he did to my food. There's probably arsenic or something in it, maybe sleeping pills. Then he could just overdose me and blame the food here. Then I'd be dead and he'd be on his merry way.

"Eat dammit! I know you're hungry!" I looked up at Axel, my broken blue eyes staring into his lively green ones. "What did you do it...?" I asked quietly, not breaking eye contact. He glared at me, "Nothing. Just eat your damn food so you don't starve." I looked away, going back to staring at my food. It didn't look like it was poisoned, but then again, what exactly did poisoned food look like? I poked at the potatoes with my fork, half expecting them to move. They looked a bit like an old shoe that was deep fried the covered in mayonnaise. Which I have actually eaten before, due to Sora's horrible cooking skills.

Apparently someone convinced him that deep fried shoe tasted good. How he can use a deep frier when he can't even tie his own shoes, I'll never know.

"I'll starve." I said bluntly, poking my food with a plastic fork. In a second, I was staring into a pair of relatively pissed green eyes. I blinked a few times, staring at the redhead. "Can I help you?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Open your mouth." What fresh hell? He's in a position to rape me, glaring at me, hates my guts, and instead of stabbing me or killing me in some way, he tells me to open my mouth.

"Um, wh- ACK!" Apparently he wanted me to open my mouth so he could shove food into it. I am now positive the potatoes are really deep friend shoe. "Wh-what the hell was that for?!" I sputtered out after forcing myself to swallow the 'food' Axel had shoved down my throat. The fork scraped against my throat, so I wouldn't be surprised if the metallic taste was from blood. "Didn't want you starving." Axel was still hovering over me, so either he couldn't be assed with getting up, or he just didn't want to. I'm pretty sure he just couldn't be assed. "C-can you move?!" I glared at him, coughing a bit and in considerable pain.

Damn fork.

"Nope. Not until you've eaten every-OWW!" Axel sat up, rubbing his forehead. "What the hell was that for?!" "I just flicked you, I didn't think you were such a wimp..." A low growl sounded from the redhead causing me to roll my eyes. What was he, a dog? I started poking my food again, though it was with my finger since Axel still had my fork. "You better eat that." I looked at Axel, back at my food, then at Axel again before promptly shoving the tray onto the floor. His eyes narrowed, the emerald color looking like green venom. I glared back, a small smirk playing on my lips.

"You don't control me anymore."

X::.x.::X

I officially hate the color white. It's everywhere in this damn place. The doctor's wear it, the patients are it from lack of direct sunlight, the rooms were it... Everyone had light colored hair, including me. Axel's dark attire and red hair was the only color in this place, but I'd sooner die than willingly be near that idiot. Even if the colors were comforting. Instead, I sat in the corner, hugging my knees to my chest as I stared at nothing.

"I haven't seen you here before, what's your name?" I looked up at a small blonde girl who was standing about a foot away, staring at me. She had sparkling blue eyes, though I could see the cracks hidden away inside them. Her attire was just a plain white dress with a small flowery design at the bottom, and a pair of light blue sandals. She looked to be about fifteen, but the knowing in her eyes, the shards of forgotten compassion told me otherwise.

"Roxas. Roxas Hikari." She smiled, nodding her head slightly in acknowledgment, "I'm Naminé. Naminé Nocturne." I smiled, a small, somewhat twisted smile, "Don't act like someone you're not. We're all mad here, are we not?" Her look became one of shock, before her surprised features became similar to mine. Twisted, but reasonably subtle. "You're different from the others, everyone else falls for my nice girl act." It wasn't hard to see how they had fallen for her act; she looked sweet and innocent, as is she was perfectly normal.

"Well I'm not everyone else now am I?" She shook her head, "No, you're not." She held out her hand to me, offering to help me up. I took it, allowing her to pull me to my feet. For such a small girl, she had a damn strong grip. "So who's your caretaker?" I pointed to Axel, who happened to look over at that moment, and raised an eyebrow at me. I glared at him, flipping him off, much to Naminé's amusement.

"My brother is mine, Demyx Nocturne." She pointed to a boy sitting in the corner, swaying back and forth slightly to whatever song was blasting out of his headphones. "He seems odd." I said bluntly, and she shrugged. "He is. But at least he's a familiar face." Well at least she liked her caretaker. Mine was an annoying pyromaniac deserving of a medal for being a bastard. Life can't get much worse.

"So how come you're in here?" Naminé asked, sitting herself down on one of the white chairs. I sat down on the table, leaning back against the wall. "Cuz' my bro caught me biting my wrists. How about you?" She leaned back in her chair so it was balancing on it's back legs, putting her hands behind her head. "I tried to kill myself twenty seven times. By sister thought enough was enough and threw me in this mad house. I've been in here for... Oh god, I think five years...? Maybe six?" I blinked a few times, staring at her. How do you not know how long you've been somewhere? Is it really so emotionally and mentally draining to live here that you can't remember things as simple as time?

"DEMYX! HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?" The blonde boy looked up at Naminé, tilting his head a bit before holding up five fingers. Naminé gave him a small smile before turning back to face me. "Five years then." I raised an eyebrow, but didn't say anything. Naminé was a bit odd, though she wasn't exactly bad company. And hell, she was screwed up just like me. Finally I had someone I could talk to without feeling like an idiot or inferior. It didn't mean I was _going_ to really talk to her, but at least I had someone like me to talk to if I felt like it.

I had my first real friend and she was crazy. Oh joy to the fricken' world.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

**2,820 words this time!!! It's longer, yay!! I was aiming for 3,000 words, but I couldn't think of what exactly to put right now... ^^" And for anyone who thinks I might have screwed up some of Roxas' mental illnesses, I know I kinda did. But he has several and it's a bit hard to interpret them all with 100% accuracy. ANYWAY! Thanks for reading, and thanks to those of you who reviewed/faved/watched/etc.**

**I LOVE YOU ALL!!! *showers you all in cookies***


	3. A Haunting Memory

Ever had the urge to just kill someone? Like, an impetuous desire to disembowel someone while gouging their eyes out with a plastic fork, before choking them with their own intestines? I've had that urge all day, and I'm finding it to be very annoying that I'm not allowed sharp objects. I asked one of the nurses for a knife, and she answered me with something about 'inflicting self harm', to which I responded that I wasn't going to kill myself, just the annoying red-haired ass who has decided I'm a five year old. She rolled her eyes at me and gave me a lollipop.

Maybe I can stab his eyes out with the wooden part.

Axel has decided that until I 'stop acting like a child', he's going to treat me like I'm a fucking five year old. I do **not** act like a child. What child flips people off, swears constantly, and has a weird fetish with blood? Not any child I've ever met.

And since when to children have to wear a fucking collar?

Naminé finds my bright red collar to be just hysterical; She nearly pissed herself when Axel added a leash and a little silver bell with 'Roxy' engraved in it. She walked me around the room seven times, and has now decided that I'm her puppy. I tried to bite her, but she yanked the leash, making me choke. I don't enjoy choking.

So apparently I'm a cross between a little kid, and a puppy.

Joy.

Why is this allowed anyway? You'd think harassing mental patients wouldn't be allowed, but no. If it's assigned by your caretaker, according to Demyx, it's considered 'treatment'. Treatment my ass. I'm just pissed off to the point of murder and really hate bells.

Naminé would've walked me more, but Axel took the leash from her and tied me to a table. Which didn't turn out well, seeing as when I tried to move, the damn thing fell on me. I had to crawl out from under it, because no one could be assed with helping me up, and managed to choke myself several times.

Axel laughed.

Bastard.

X::.x.::X

My room has no windows. It's actually a bit disturbing. I mean, I'm locked in this damn room overnight with no light what-so-ever, and the only sound is amazingly loud snores coming from the rooms around me. I can't see my own nose because it's so freaking dark in here, and I swear to god the room is _shaking_ from the sheer volume of my, uh, 'floor mates'. My room has become a scene from a horror movie.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

I can hear dripping noises from beside me. Like little liquid drops are hitting the floor over and over again... Dear god, what if some man-eating creature crawled in my room, planning on eating me later? It wouldn't surprise me, considering how shitty this place is, but I don't exactly want to be eaten. That would be a really weird way to go.

...Oh, it's ok, it's just blood from my arms falling to the floor. I should've guessed that, considering I had been scratching into my arm pretty roughly for the last fifteen minutes. I can't _see_ the blood running from my arms, but I can smell it and feel it, so I'm pretty sure that's what it is. And if I'm wrong, well, let me be eaten quickly.

There's a clock in my room, I can hear it ticking. It's of no use to me, as I can't see it to check the time, but I can at least see what time it is later, when I'm allowed to use my eyes again. I _would_ turn on the light, but the switch is on the other side of the wall, in the hallway. Which means I can't reach it, even if I could manage to walk across my room without bumping into things.

Axel went home a few hours ago, even though it's not allowed unless there's some kind of emergency. I wouldn't have minded, except for the fact that his reason for leaving was to go drink and smoke pot in some alley with a bunch of whores. Those were his exact words too; apparently he enjoys being a drunk idiot stumbling through the streets and getting hit by cars.

From the way he said it I could tell it was a normal thing, which only helped to prove my point that Axel is an idiot. No wait, scratch that. Axel is the _king_ of idiots. What person with an ounce of intelligence chooses getting high, over keeping a mental patient from committing suicide? As much as I really, _really_, want to die, I didn't want to do it when Axel was smashed; he'd probably laugh.

Oh wait, he'd laugh anyway.

I wanted sleep, but I wasn't sure where my pillow was; I didn't want to lean back and have my head collide with the wall. It probably wouldn't hurt that bad, but I would end up with a headache. With a sigh, I groped around for my pillow.

Blanket, my leg, wall, something wet (I don't even _want_ to know what that was), blanket yet again...

How the hell had my pillow gotten to the end of the bed?

I placed it back up at the head of the mattress before laying my head down. It wasn't very comfortable, it felt more like wood than a pillow, but I was too tired to care. Within seconds of closing my eyes, I was out cold, slipping into a nightmare.

Slipping into a memory.

~X~

_'Why won't he answer his phone...?' the question was to myself, but it's not like I had the answer. I had tried calling both his house and cell phones twice each, receiving the answering machine each time. It wasn't like him to not answer his phone; he always answered when I called. Maybe something had happened...?_

_I shook my head quickly, ridding myself of any thoughts involving him being hurt in some way. He was probably just busy and couldn't get to the phone right now; nothing to worry about. I wanted to try calling him again, but decided against it. I didn't want to pester him. Besides, it was Sunday. I'd see him tomorrow. Yea, it was my birthday today, and I wanted to be with him, but it was ok. I'd just hang out with Sora or go see a movie or something. It wasn't a big deal..._

_I walked downstairs, looking for my brother. Instead, I found a sticky note on the door, a few sentences written on it in Sora's horrible handwriting. I squinted at it for a good ten minutes before finally getting what it said._

_ **Roxas-**_

_** I'm over at Riku's. I'll be home later. Have a good birthday!**_

_Then a bunch of smiley faces and possibly a butterfly with muffin wings. What butterflies had to do with anything, I wasn't really sure._

_But I guess hanging out with Sora wasn't possible now, so I'd just have to find something else to do. I figured I could go see a movie, but there wasn't really anything I wanted to see. Besides, movies were no fun alone. I really wanted to try calling him again, but I didn't want to annoy him. Of course, I could always go to his house. Just to see what he was doing._

_I hadn't quite decided, but my feet were already walking me out the door and in the direction of his house. Well, that settles that. And I doubted he would care, I usually go over to his place unannounced. _

_Something seemed... Off, as I approached his front door and slowly walked inside. For one, it smelled like sweat. Second, the only sound that could be heard was music coming from down the hall, from where his room was._

_Hesitantly, I walked down the hall, stopping in front of his room and placing an ear to the door. Music was being blasted at the highest volume, drowning out almost every noise. Almost every noise, but not all of them. I shook my head; I had to be hearing things. He wasn't..._

_Hand shaking slightly, I gripped the metal doorknob, cracking it open just an inch-_

~X~

My eyes snapped open, causing my 'dream' to come to an abrupt end. Sitting up quickly, I realized tears were falling from my eyes. I wiped them away with my sleeves, sniffling a little. That was the third time this month I've dreamt of that day; I woke up in tears every time.

"What time is it...?" I murmured quietly, noticing that it was still dark and trying to think about something other than-

"About four in the morning." I jumped, falling off my bed and hitting my head on the floor rather hard. A small light, I'm guessing it was from a phone, cast shadows through the room and allowed me to see so I could get back into bed. I slowly climbed back onto the mattress, not making eye contact with the man sitting beside my bed. He was messing around with his phone, ignoring me for the most part, as I led back down. I wasn't going to go back to sleep, I wouldn't be able to with him in the room.

A few minutes passed, before the silence was broken.

"How come you were crying when you woke up?" I stayed silent; I wasn't answering that question. He waited a moment before poking my side, "Roxas. Answer me." Why did he poke me? He poked a bruise dammit, and I didn't want him touching me. But instead of telling him to fuck off, I just stayed completely silent. It would piss him off more than if I swore at him. I heard an annoyed sigh before I felt myself being turned around.

I blinked a few times, staring into Axel's emerald eyes. "Just tell me dammit, I need to know so I can tell the doctors here for your status report."

I punched him.

X::.x.::X

I sat on a table in the main room, bored out of my mind. Naminé was in a padded cell for trying to kill herself via clawing her neck open. She hadn't actually managed to dig that far into her neck for her to die, though there had been blood running down her skin. Demyx had been given some medication and was god-knows-where with some doctor after having a mental breakdown.

Axel wouldn't talk to me, though whether it was because he was mad at me, or because he psychically _couldn't_ (I'm a lot stronger than I look), I wasn't really sure; It might have been a mix of the two. I didn't really care either way; I was pissed at him. But at least he seems to understand that much, and has decided not to piss me off any further. Which means I don't have to wear a stupid collar or be treated like a little kid.

Thank god.

I stared down at my wrists, which were pretty torn up, dry blood covering over scratches. Beneath the scratches were scars in the shape of teeth marks, due to my obsession with causing myself pain. Hidden under the cuts and scars, was a mangled and destroyed tattoo. I had destroyed it, tearing away at it with my teeth, nails, and over sharp objects. I could still see small blurred pieces of it, and even though it wasn't much, it really annoyed me. I never should've gotten the damn thing, It had been such a stupid idea.

Axel had decided to have us both get tattoos, and I all too willingly agreed. Stupid, _stupid,_ Roxas. The design was simple; we would get half of a red heart on our wrists with each other's names on them and the word 'forever'. I had the 'for' on mine, and Axel had 'ever' on his, underneath our names. We got them placed so whenever we held hands, (Which was more often than one would think) our tattoos would form one picture.

I was such an idiot for doing that, for thinking that we would actually last forever. He's probably gotten his removed by now; there would be no point in keeping it. I glanced over at him to see him staring at me with a blank expression, which was actually _very_ unnerving.

"Um, Axel?" He seemed to snap back to reality, because his expression changed from no emotion to relatively pissed. "What?" He hissed, venom seeping from that single word. I didn't flinch, though most would have from the harshness of his voice, and instead threw my shoe at him.

I missed.

Axel in return, threw his watch at my face. I caught it, slipping it onto my wrist and giving him a 'thanks-for-the-gift' look, which included my best fake smile. He then chose to throw his phone at me, which I dodged instead of caught, causing it to hit the wall and smash into several pieces.

Why the hell would someone throw a five hundred dollar phone across the room?

I was pretty sure he was going to murder me where I stood, so imagine my surprise when he laughed. He just smashed an extremely expensive phone into a wall, and he decides to laugh about it.

And _i'm_ the crazy one?

"Heh, Sorry Rox. Didn't mean to throw that stuff at you." I raised an eyebrow. How the fuck do you 'not mean' to throw something at someone? You have to pick the object up and then fling it somewhere; you have to be aiming for something. "Just in a bit of pain; damn you have a good left hook." So when he's in pain, he flings random objects at me? Then what the hell does he do when he's pissed; cut my head off with a butcher knife?

Slowly, I got up and made my way over to him, taking off his watch and dropping it into his lap. He picked it up, placing it on my head. What. The. Fuck.

"You look like a princess Roxy!" He laughed, apparently very amused that _his_ watch works as a crown. I simply rolled my eyes, moving my head forward a bit so the watch slipped off. How was _I_ the little kid, when _he_ was the one giving me a freaking crown and calling me a princess? Little seven year old girls do that, not twenty year old men. Though I have to wonder if Axel really is a man, and not some weird girl-boy-porcupine crossbreed made in some lab. Honestly, no normal human being is as deranged as he is. He should be stuck in this mad house, not me.

"Aww, why'd you make your tiara fall off? It looked so pretty!" I death glared at him and his grin only grew. "You look like a mad little girl." "And you look like a porcupine that caught on fire." Well it was true. His fire truck red, spiked hair closely resembles a burning porcupine. And yes, I do actually know what that looks like. "Really? Well that's a new one, usually I just get called an ass." "You're that too." He turned his body so he could lean back with his head on the armrest and his feet on the opposite end of the couch, affectively taking up the entire space.

"Yea, well, it's just my thing." At least he didn't deny it; I probably would've hit him. "So... You gonna tell me why you were crying earlier?" I just looked at him. This is the reason he got punched in the face, and yet he's asking me about it once again. Does he _want_ to have his skull pounded into dust? "...Do you want me to punch you again?" He chuckled at that, running a hand through his hair, "Nah, I think once is enough. Just thought I'd ask, y'know?" I shrugged, not feeling like talking anymore. And I really didn't know what the hell he meant; why risk causing more harm to yourself?

I started walking back to my room, ignoring the feeling of his eyes on me as I walked. I didn't know why he was staring after me, nor did I care. I just wanted to sit in my little jail-cell like room, and think about a few things. Mostly about Sora, I wondered how he was doing. He's such a fragile kid, seeing me hurting myself might have broken him. It hurt me to think I might have scarred my brother for life, but I knew he'd heal. Riku would make sure of that.

How much did staying here cost? Would my parents even bother to pay the hospital fees? Probably not, unless Sora forced them too. And even then, they would probably only pay for a week then decide I wasn't worth it and go back to spending their money on things for Sora and alcoholic crap for them.

Then there was Axel. I told myself I hated him, but I really sucked at lying. Though I could at least say I was still pissed at him, and could probably laugh at him getting hurt. Which led to confusion, something I really hated. So I stopped thinking about him for a while.

Actually, it was more like I was forced to stop thinking about him, because after ten minutes of sitting on my bed, I passed out from blood loss.

Did I mention thinking involved me drawing pictures on the sheets in blood?

--------

**A/N- Thanks so much to everyone who read/reviewed this story! It means a lot!**

**And for those who were wondering, no, this isn't a continuation of a former fanfic that explains what happened between Roxas and Axel. Everything shall be revealed in time, and will probably be revealed in detail. **

**Please excuse any mistakes, I'm tired and only checked over it once.**


	4. It's His Fault

It's creepy as hell to wake up with a pair of green eyes not an inch away staring into yours and someone's finger poking your arm repeatedly. Which explains my reaction of screaming obscenities, and smacking the pyro upside the head. It hurt me more than it hurt him, seeing as it pulled the tubes that had been shoved up my arm. So I was in a hell of a lot of pain considering Axel couldn't move his jaw for a good five minutes. I liked those five minutes; he couldn't talk. Unfortunately, all good things come to end.

"Dammit Roxas, what was that for? I was just seeing if you were awake..." I glared at him, not bothering to answer. Normal people don't bruise someone's arm when trying to see if they're awake, nor do they get close as hell to their face. I pulled on some of the tubes in my arms, stopping when I came to the conclusion that it _hurt_ to do that (only took me five tugs of pure pain to figure that out) and instead opted to just glare at the plastic wiring in my arms. It hurt to get blood and salt water pushed into your body at 45 miles per hour, it felt like getting salt in an open wound.

"Hey Rox?" I 'hmm'ed in response, and he was silent for a moment before continuing. "Um, why were you drawing on your sheets in uh, blood...?"

"Because I'm insane." I answered bluntly, tugging a bit on one of the tubes, wincing in pain when it hurt. Considering it hurt before I really shouldn't have been surprised. Why did I do stupid things? "Right... But why blood of all things?" I sighed. He really didn't get the whole 'mentally deranged' concept, did he? I wasn't going to bother with answering, I would just be wasting my breath trying to explain it to him.

He stared at me for a good three minutes before deciding that I wasn't going to answer him, at which point he started writing something down on one the pieces of paperwork he had placed on the nightstand near him. Probably writing a report on my behavior, something along the lines of 'violent, anger issues. Please keep him sedated at all times, or better yet, just kill him. Thank you.' or something else with similar implications. Not that I would really mind if he wrote that, though I'd rather die then be sedated. Sedation just _sucks_. It's like you're sleeping only it screws with your memory of events from before you were sedated. At least if I died I'd remember everything.

Wait, that means I would remember all the pain. Never mind, I want sedation.

I really wish I had something to do, other than staring at a wall I mean. As much fun as that is, a person can only take so much white before they start to lose it. A pencil and paper would be nice, but seeing as I'm 'a danger to myself and others', I'm not allowed to have sharp objects of any kind. And drawing with blood is bad, according to the nurses. I don't see how it's bad, it's just like paint, only it smells weird. But everyone here over reacts to everything, so I won't be drawing anytime soon.

I didn't have my phone, or my ipod, so no music or calls. I don't know how I could kill myself with a phone, or an ipod for that matter. Actually, I could always strangle myself with the earphone cord... But that's besides the point. I needed sound or activity outside of this place, something that isn't a pencil scraping against paper or a patient screaming. I'm not really sure how listening to something that isn't the incoherent yelling of the mentally deranged is bad for me, but apparently it is. It's actually very annoying to see Axel listening to music while he writes my progress reports; if I can't have proper sound, then he shouldn't be allowed it as well. I guess 'fair' means nothing to him.

A piece of paper and a crayon were set down on my lap, which I just stared at for a moment. "...Hello magically appearing art supplies." A sigh was heard to the left of me as I poked the crayon, "It's not going to kill you. I thought you looked bored, but if you'd rather stare at a wall, be my guest." Possibly man-eating crayon, or annoyingly white wall?

I chose the crayon.

I don't know why I drew a flower. A really weird, blue flower. With a blue stem, and blue dirt, and blue clouds. Why there were clouds on the ground, I have yet to figure out. Also, why did Axel write 'bob' next to my drawing in red crayon? What exactly was the point of that? I would have asked him, but every time he opens his mouth, I lose brain cells. I'd rather not lose any more IQ points than needed, thank you.

Axel hung my picture up on the wall with tape. He said he wished he could frame it, because it was a 'masterpiece'. I asked him what he was on; he laughed. When someone implies that you're on crack, laughing you ass off isn't an answer one should give if they're trying to argue against that. It only makes you seem more suspicious and makes those around you want to get you tested for drugs. Obviously, Axel doesn't understand this concept.

Moron.

X::.x.::X

What the hell does staring at ink blots have to do with sanity levels? Everyone sees something, whether or not it's violent completely depends on how they perceive things, not how sane they are.

"Roxas, what do you see here?" Well I see ink, and behind the ink I see white paper, and behind the white paper I see an idiot.

"A cloud." The guy looked at me funny; what's wrong with seeing a cloud? "Anything else?" "Fire." He laughed, "Ok, anything a bit less abstract?" What the hell? Isn't this what _i'm_ seeing, not what he _wants_ me to see? "Umm... I see... a... butterfly...?" He gave an annoyed sigh before picking up another card and asking me again, what I saw. Why was it so annoying that I saw butterflies and shit in the inkblot? "Um, I see a crown... And a prince... And a castle..." The man smiled at me, apparently pleased that I had seen a fairy tale seen hidden in the ink.

I've decided that he doesn't know what the hell he's doing.

I had to look at several more of the ink blots, which took about an hour since the guy kept asking, 'are you _sure_ that's what you see?' Well, what am I suppose to see? Fairies and unicorns having tea in outer space? Because none of those looked even _remotely_ like that, though I will admit that the fairy tale scene was more than a bit odd. When I was finally let out of the room, Axel was waiting near the door, a cocky grin on his face. What exactly he was so cocky _about, _I didn't want to know.

"So how was it?" I glared at him, "The fuckers here have no clue what they're doing, and apparently because I can't see the god-forsaken unicorns in the damn ink blots, I'm a mental idiot." Axel's smile dropped, his expression becoming one of confusion. I gave an annoyed sigh, shaking my head, "Never mind, lets just say I've had better times." My answer seemed to suit him, as his smile came back and he put his arm around my shoulders. I tried to move away from him, as human contact wasn't exactly something I enjoyed, only to fail miserably and be pulled closer to the redhead.

Fuck.

"Axel, get off." He ignored me, dragging me with him as he started walking. I was walking slowly, but his arm forced me to walk faster, much to my annoyance. I tried elbowing him in the ribs, which only caused me to end up with a bruise and the reward of a smirk from and obviously amused Axel. I glared at him, rubbing my hurt elbow. Who the hell has muscle that hard?!

"Looks like that hurt." I stomped on the bastard's foot; **hard**. I didn't bother to hide my smirk as he yelped in pain, letting go of me and proceeding to jump up and down on foot one foot. His other foot, the one that had just made a cracking noise, was held in his hands; he looked a bit like a one-legged porcupine-rabbit hybrid that had spontaneously combusted. Quiet whimpering noises slipped through his lips as tears shown in his eyes; he was such an idiot.

"Looks like that hurt."

X::.x.::X

I learned something today. Well, a few things actually. First of all, hugging yourself gets old _fast_. It's not that bad for the first ten minutes, then a little voice in the back of your head asks, 'how the hell do I use the bathroom if I can't get to my zipper?' which ruins the completely WONDERFUL time of showing just how much you love yourself. Now, most people would answer that question with 'you stop hugging yourself and take a piss, dumbass.' Yes well,

Strait-jackets don't allow that.

Second, padded rooms are _not_ as fun as they seem. And considering how the room is well, padded, it's pretty damn uncomfortable. I'm going to have bruises from the damn floor, I swear. And maybe it's just me, but I thought this place would be, I dunno, bouncy or something. Not hard as a rock and potentially able to give one chronic back pain.

I've also learned that white is an excruciatingly annoying color. Well, no, I shouldn't say 'learned', since I already knew this. So I guess I _re_-learned, at a rapidly fast rate mind you, that white a mind, and eye, killing color. And I'm in here for the next 24-hours, to gain 'proper self control' (Whatever the fuck that means) with the only color around me being white. Pure, clean, empty white. That alone is enough to drive someone to insanity; thank god I'm already insane.

Now, as to _why_ I happen to be locked away in the 'special room' as the nurses called it, is because I had a _slight_ breakdown. And by _slight,_ I mean hyperventilation, screaming, crying, throwing anything I could get my hands on, and trying to tear my wrists to shreds.

Nothing major.

I'd made the mistake of sleeping, something that almost brought on nightmares, when Axel was still here. I had woken to someone shaking my shoulders roughly, calling my name. I jolted forward into a sitting position, shaking, cold sweat mixing with the hot tears falling rapidly from my eyes. Green eyes bore into my own blue ones, a scared, worried expression on the redhead's face as he stared at me.

"Roxas-"

_'Roxas-' 'Shut up.' 'Rox, __**please**__, it's not-' 'I said, shut _**up**_.' 'Just listen to me, give me a chance to-'_

_A crash echoed throughout the room as the glass shards of the mirror shattered, blood splattering against pale flesh and blue walls._

_'I am _**done**_ listening to you.'_

"-why are you crying?"

"**Get away from me**." Venom dripped from my words and the room temperature seemed to drop ten degrees; Axel flinched back, surprise, confusion, and maybe even _fear_, showing in his emerald green eyes. His hands, which he hadn't removed from my arms, tightened their hold on me. "Why, what did-?"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed, roughly pushing Axel's arms away, and ran to the other side of the room. My body was shaking, tears cascading down my face; I was having trouble standing. "Rox, calm down-" I grabbed a brush from the counter beside me and threw it at him. He looked at me, obvious shock showing on his face.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"SHUT UP!" Another object was thrown, what it was I didn't know (or care). "IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M LIKE THIS, IT'S YOUR FAULT I'M FUCKING INSANE!" He said something, but I wasn't listening. I was staring down at my wrists, torn between tearing them to pieces, or slicing them to shreds. I choose option one, and bit down **hard** on my left wrist until I felt a warm liquid running down the side of my arm.

A hand grabbed my wrist tightly, yanking it away from my teeth, and causing me to stumble forward. Warm arms wrapped around me, not allowing me to move. "LET ME GO!" I kicked him in the shin, but he only held me tighter, refusing to obey my screaming.

I yelled, kicked, and bit until three nurses came and dragged me off to the 'fun room'. I'm not allowed any visitors, and I can't use the bathroom. Which means either I piss my pants, or I hold it for 24-hours.

I think I'll hold it.

Of course, now that I can think clearly, I want to smash my head against the wall. I had probably scarred him for life, though I wouldn't say he didn't deserve that. It **is**__his fault I'm insane. But seeing someone tearing their flesh open with their teeth might be a bit much, even for him...

Oh well. What's done is done, no changing that. He can be scared of me if he wants to be, I don't care. He can be mad at me, or upset with me; It means nothing to me. I don't care what he thinks of me, I don't care if he wants me to go die in a hole and make his life easier. I don't care about him anymore.

I don't care that I'm lying to myself.

------

**A/N-** SEVERAL THINGS HAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY IF YOU READ!

First, Anyone want to be my Beta for this story? I would appreciate it.

Second, does anyone read Japanese well and like KH yaoi Doujins? I have several at my disposal, but I can't read Japanese so... ^^"

Third, I don't get off school for X-mas break until the DAY of Christmas Eve. So I still have school and homework, which is why the updates are slow. I'll try to update more over the VERY FREAKING SHORT break.

Fourth, I have a poll on my profile, go take it please. It'll help me figure out which story I should focus on during break, which will be helpful.

FITH! And this bit doesn't need to be read unless you want too~ Though it's still important ^^

THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO READ/REVIEWED!


End file.
